Fear · Transgender · Transgender woman · Transitioning

Fear of transitioning – two weekends before transitioning at work – May, 2008

There were a number of good things about the weekend but through most of it I was struggling to overcome a fear of transitioning. It was partly the thought of transitioning itself that was causing my, at times, near panic. Even more so, there was a question I’ve been struggling with my whole life. That is ‘who am I, really?’. I have never found a clear answer to this question and I don’t claim to have done that now. I was fearful, though, that I was letting go of the known man in favor of an admittedly much happier and confident but still somewhat undeveloped person Maren. This doubt and questioning was damaging my normal self-confident attitude about what I’m doing and where I’m going. By late Sunday afternoon, I was wondering if I’d ever feel confident again. Some who know me will realize I can over think what is going on in my life just as I can over analyze my own feelings and reactions — BIG mistake. That’s a good part of what was going on here.

By Sunday evening, though, I was able to relax and started to regain my self-confidence. Part of the work to get me back to my senses was done by friends who clearly pointed out that they’d be worried about me if I wasn’t having some anxiety so close to my transition date.

By late Sunday night, I realized I could let go of my fears. I do not need to have clear answers to everything that lies on the path ahead or even know exactly what the destination will look like. This is a journey of self-discovery. It is also an opportunity that few people have. I can and will remake myself and in doing that I will get a better idea of who I am. I will become a new person, the real being who has always been lurking in the shadows but can now be free.

Monday at work, I was relieved that I was feeling very confident again and excited about transitioning. There will be scary moments ahead, some bumps in the road, rejection by some people and lack of understanding from others. That is all OK because I am strong enough to handle it. For the first time in my life I feel I can handle anything. That does not mean I think everything will be easy, by any means.

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